Social Media Euphemisms Explained

This last month I have been deep in ankle rehab consisting of at least three hours a day of physical activity that did not include much by the way of alcoholic beverages (other than understandably an afternoon on it as a form of sedative when the AB's played the Boks).  To get me through physical torture I read in my downtime. Which as anyone who knows me well can attest to, when I am committed to it, I devour literature very quickly.  Because I needed some aggression to get me through the training this month I have devoted myself to some KYC KYE or Know Your Enemy and have read a lot online and in published form about the political left libtardserals.

Understanding Power by Noam Chomsky
Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison
War Is A Racket by General Smedley D. Butler
The Conscience of A Liberal by Paul Krugman
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: The Rise of AOC to America's Most Progressive Politician by Janet Connor
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: Her Mysterious Rise from Bartender to Congresswoman: An Unauthorized Biography by Peter D’Abrosca (two books and still lean on material)
Dangerous Hero: Corbyn’s Ruthless Plot for Power by Tom Bower
How Will Capitalism End? by Wolfgang Streek (definitely one for the humour section)
No One Is Too Small to Make a Difference by Greta Thunberg's publicity departmentThere Is No Planet B: A Handbook for the Make or Break Years by Mike Berner-Lee 

I had to stop there as my mind was exploding and not in a good way.  

So as life is apparently all about balance, I ventured back into trashy Daily Mail online stuff and ended up thinking more about cutting to the chase of the crap I am seeing on social media.  A collation of phraseology and true meaning follows.

1. He looks just like you/your partner 

Yes well one would hope he doesn’t look like the Urgent Courier driver or the pool boy.

2. Oh s/he is gorgeous

Yes well they’re currently a wrapped up ball of skin and chub. Jury is out on that as it can all go wrong very quickly. All the glowing praise for that is well.....premature.

3. They’ve grown so much

What are you expecting children to do over time? For the bloody baby to shrink?

4. As long as s/he is happy that’s the main thing

If that’s the only thing people say about your new relationship/life choice it means they can’t stand your choice and are ticking the days til it all fails.

4a. We don’t care of the sex as long as the baby is healthy.

This isn’t very pleasant for parents to read who had an unhealthy or dead baby I would think!! .....I always cringe at this one also as every parent has a preference boy or girl.  It is a total lie.

5. S/he is nice.

A killer blow. If that’s the most collected compliment and not much more it means they think the subject is duller than last weeks dishwater and so average no one can bother pointing out any flaws.

6. You look like you’ve lost so much weight

Only women say this. Men don’t. There’s a reason for that. It’s usually from another woman a passive aggressive blow to the shins unless a woman actually dramatically has which is the only safe time to say this. It can every other time be interpreted that "shit “Karen” you’re photoshopping/have good lighting on your shot" or of course "you were once the size of a large traffic Island, thank Christ now you’re not".

7. You always look so young

This means ”fark you’ve got a great plastic surgeon” or great photoshop. Or have used high angled selfies and taken 100 pictures to get one that looks your age or younger.

8. You’ve got a beautiful family you all look so happy

Far too much assumed with this to ever make such a comment on social media. How many happy family shots have ended within months with one of the participants caught rooting someone else? The happy family shot is often the wife’s last grasp at a too possessive  hands on approach to what they suspect is happening or about to. Rather like every story in magazines about the Beckham marriage.

9. Oh you look so happy

Another hilarious one up there with “glowing”. No one puts photos on social media when they’ve just cried a shitload of tears do they? General rule of thumb the more happy pictures a person posts = more unhappy and insecure they are.  When people you actually like keep or start doing this, be worried and actually go see them.  I know, a novel concept.

10. You are beautiful inside and out

Very "mean girls" this one. Often a comment for either super model chicks who get called stupid or really fat women who are self conscious about it.

11. Beautiful humans

Hipster speak for glowing unnecessary praise directed at people with otherwise low self esteem.

12. My squad

Don’t know where to start with this one but a very passive aggressive description of mean girls. An exclusive collection of these sorts propagated from D list celebrities in NZ, usually posted from weekends away together where they celebrate things like “body positivity” and post "partnership" promotions, when none would dare actually be friends with fat chicks let alone have them in their bridal party.

13. You’ve got this

From my recent involvement in the health and fitness industry I have real issues with this. For some sort of people this is meant to inspire them to be motivated to achieve something physical. I don’t need it screamed at me by some twat who is trying to encourage me to do something that’s actually going to be my warm up.  

14. Do the mahi get the treats

Often mumbled on social media by overweight people about to tuck into a large slice of dense rich chocolate cake, or people who are built like The Rock and can eat anything they want as they have a calorie burn of 4000 a day which is the new brag about how fit you are - how much crap you can eat in your allowance and still be that way. In general it is bro speak to encourage effort. Once again I don’t need it screamed at me or around me.

15. Hot mama (or similar comments highlighting you have spawn)

Compliment in the health and fitness industry underlined by the myth that it’s impossible once having a baby to actually go back to having a body like you did before that. Passive aggressively directed at women too young to have children as a reason to exclude their hot young bodies from comparison.  Of course it’s possible, it’s just harder primarily not because of your body but you’re surrounded by children and junk food all day and dealing with men you've married who now have terrible diets themselves. When a group of women start a thread complimenting each other in this fashion - RUN.

Now - back to the Rugby World Cup business time.


  1. Dude. You've just neatly outlined 15 excellent reasons to stay TF away from social media. It's a corrosive cesspit.


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