If Jacinda Ardern Was In Charge Of A Suez Canal Crisis
We have seen New Zealand's internationally acclaimed response to Covid, which has resulted in you all still waiting behind third world countries with GDP's the size of Ruatoria rather than the top of the queue Hippy said you would be.
So based on this form and that of the last four years, how would our Fearless Leader respond to what's going on in the Suez Canal?
1. Daily press briefings at 1pm prematurely claiming victory after going "hard and early" in a digger. Anyone blaming the Captain of the ship and demanding the owner pay is immediately deemed racist and cancelled on Twitter.
2. Form at least three working groups of "experts" consisting of Labour Party activists, Ports of Auckland management and political activists from University. Matthew Hooton and Simon Wilson write weekly columns suggesting the answer of course is to move the Port to Northland. Wilson also demands banning ships and building more cycle ways.
3. The PM commissions Heather Simpson and Sir Brian Roche to write an independent report. They quickly suggest changes in the RMA to deal with the situation and OSH legislation. Ignored. Sir Brian commences more renovations to his home with the proceeds.
4. Greens blame capitalism and mass consumption for causing the crisis. The Maori Party claim it was actually a Taniwha that requires a karakia and koha to move the ship and wish to be consulted for hui. No one turns up on time for any of the hui, when questioned by Barry Soper they claim time is a colonial constraint and that he’s a racist old white man.
5. Business leaders and private sector experts would offer to help. Form a group. Ignored as the PM does not want this crisis to actually end as her supporters are enjoying it and poll ratings skyrocketing as New Zealand can show how important it is to the world once again.
6. "Be kind" campaign with millions of dollars paid for Labour aligned PR and artists including writing letters to foreign children and having their parents plant stories in foreign press. Clarke Gayford introduces Rod Stewart this time singing a mashup of his hits Sailing and I Was Only Joking. Stewart charges $1m for this on his own this time as he was so sick of being accused he took that last time.
7. Decision made that "Aotearoa" would just relax, kick back and block itself off from world moving goods for the nation around the ship for the team of 5 million who all were instructed not to wear masks but red socks and hop to the left at 6pm every night to help with the tide. Supplies of red socks immediately run out and mass confusion results on how to get more red socks into the country as New Zealand wool was all sent to China to make the red socks and is now stuck on a boat back full of socks. Nick Mowbray intervenes and makes red socks from recommissioned plastic particles in his factory in China and sends them back by private jet. Stephen Tindall immediately takes all the credit. Mowbray gets even more pissed off with him and orders an even larger superyacht.
8. Scott Morrison tries to negotiate Australian goods to come off ship separately, he even offers the resources to do so. The PM announces she will announce a date for this once she has held her wedding, which she also has not got a date for yet.
9. After months and promises still no agreement with Australia the PM sets target of 100k affordable bog rolls by Xmas for the nation, despite bog rolls currently being fought over by the UK and EU.
10. Tide finally comes in but SAFE, Action Station, Greenpeace and “average Maori” represented by Matthew Tukaki meanwhile have occupied the ship so it cannot move anyway.