Te Tiriti And The Turtle

No story I have ever seen better represents the madness of pandering to Maori by virtue of wokeness in New Zealand than this.

Based on responses to several Official Information Act requests, plus earlier media reports, the Taxpayers' Union can set out the timeline:

In March 2019, a dead leatherback turtle is found on the shore in Banks Peninsula. He is never named though he is known at the Taxpayers' Union as Michelangelo.

DOC advises Te Papa that the local Banks Peninsula marae, Koukourārata, has provided approval for Te Papa to receive turtle.

A DOC ranger uses a tractor to transfer the turtle to the back of his ute, then commissions a truck belonging to a pet food company to keep the turtle chilled. The ranger warns that transporting the turtle to Wellington will be a "logistical nightmare". The ranger's wage costs are $200.

The turtle is collected by Te Papa from the Department of Conservation office in Christchurch and driven up to Wellington in Te Papa’s Toyota Hilux, at a reported cost of $475.75.

The turtle arrives at Te Papa's Tory Street facility, where staff plan to perform a necropsy, check its gut for plastic, gather biological information for "the global turtle research community", and ultimately skeletonise the corpse.

In an apparent change of heart from the local iwi, Ngāi Tahu representative Matui Payne tells media of "a sense of grief and sadness that we didn't have the opportunity to grieve for our kaitiaki, for our tipuna." Te Papa cites "issues relating to consultation and support" and enters into discussion with Koukourārata "regarding the return and repatriation of the honu [turtle]."

The late turtle spends 21 months in Te Papa's freezer.

No scientific research is conducted. Te Papa explains, "To enable scientific research to be undertaken, the turtle would have had to be skeletonised (i.e. processes undertaken to reduce the turtle remains to a skeleton). In conjunction with tikanga, it is usually important that all parts of the taonga or specimen (in this case, the turtle) should be buried, if possible. . .In terms of science objectives, Te Papa has not conducted any research on the turtle during its time at Te Papa so has not gained any research insights."

At some point, Te Papa staff build a "te honu crate" or turtle coffin, with materials costing $580.85.

On 11 December 2020, Te Papa staff are joined by a contingent from Koukourārata for a karakia (prayer) in Wellington.

DOC transports the turtle from Wellington back to Bank Peninsula in a refrigerated truck. The three-day journey includes reported costs of $940 in mileage, $448 for the Cook Strait ferry crossing, and $500 in wage costs. A Koukourārata representative accompanies the turtle during this journey.

Eight Te Papa staff, including members of the Board and the senior leadership team, fly to Canterbury for the deceased turtle's powhiri.

Domestic travel, car rental and accommodation: $4,327.77

Powhiri and kai for 40 people: $880.00

At the powhiri, the eight Te Papa staff are joined by seven DOC staff.

Four of the DOC staff are paid by the hour, for a total cost of $600.

DOC pays a $200 koha to the Koukourārata.

DOC spends $130 on mileage.

The turtle arrives at its powhiri, is removed from its coffin, placed on an altar to thaw while speeches are given, and eventually strapped to a crate and flown via helicopter to its burial site: a hilltop on a nearby island. DOC pays $1600 for the helicopter service. Video and photographs from the day capture these events.

Two DOC staff conduct an archeological survey of the burial site, and three staff dig the hole. Reported wage costs for these activities are $900.

I cannot believe it.  This is a fucking TURTLE.

Yet I can.  

It is an incredible piece of research by the Taxpayers Union who must all have been in stitches as the tale unfolded.

We are however now just having the complete piss taken out of us in New Zealand.

This ladies and gentlemen will only get worse until we all grow up and say no more.

The turtle represents what is "evolving" out of Te Tiriti perfectly.  

Ngai Tahu didn't even have to fork out for the funeral, they definitely scored a point humiliating the silly wokey pokeys in DOC with this one!


  1. At this point NZ is a post-turtle of a country. You know it didn't get up there by itself. It doesn't belong there. You wonder who put it there. It can't get anything done while it's up there. You just want to help the poor, dumb thing down.

    But hey, St Jacinda of the Holy Pestilence has a wedding coming up!

    LOL. Glad I left that f***ing banana republic.

    1. 1000 years from now, archeologists will discover the turtle’s remains on the hilltop and, after their first WTF moment, construct elaborate hypotheses about the esoteric turtle worshipping cults of ancient Aotearoa.

      And this is just the waste we hear about! Yes, CK. No more.

  2. Nope, it's not a just a turtle, it's now a taniwha and a guiding deity for Maori and the reason nobody knew this was it was purposely kept a secret and has only just now been revealed. Luckily, for Payne, we all just fell off the back off a turnip truck.



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