My MIQ Sort Of Haiku
Having endured this hell it has taken a long time for me to be able to put the experience into words.
May. Hipkins says book now. Done.
July. Vaccinate. Save the world. Hangover headache. Brutal shot.
Come back 3 months. Jab.
All good. Done my piece. Saved the frickin vulnerable in the world. Done.
Stick up nose. No worries.
Fly for hours. 32. There’s no flight direct. Must get flight.
Had great time on flights. Booked a suite. Endless champagne. Fun times.
I enter the country.
Kia Ora Mofos. I am back.
I cannot touch my bags.
Where are the bags?
Smuggled in cigars. Should have got more.
We are on a bus. Airport hotel. Thank god.
Military read out a card. They can barely read 1am. Giggle.
Police with tasers circle.
More Police than I will see in months in the CBD of Auckland.
Army and Navy all chubsters by now.
I see the fence. It’s not high.
I see my bags. They’re 43kgs in total.
I’m getting over the fence. No worries.
The bags aren’t. Hard lift.
I phone at 4pm daily to earn my walk in a time slot.
It is freezing. Icebreaker layers. Walking in a circle.
Many many fucking circles.
I sit in a hotel room for 14 days.
Apple TV. Sky sport sub. T20 cricket World Cup.
“This is your nurse are you ok”
Well of course I’m fucking not.
I don’t have Covid.
You have locked me in a room.
For TWO WEEKS.
I am dropped junk food at my door 3 times a day totalling 3-4000 calories if I ate it all.
Staff clearly eating the food. Military and navy total chubsters.
Black plastic bags. Save the planet. Not for covid.
I have 4 covid tests. FOUR
I live in my Qatar pyjamas.
Meanwhile Covid all over South Auckland which is a short walk from my hotel.
Cindy announces it’s 7 days.
Everyone but me thinks that means we leave tomorrow.
Spirits are good.
I say nothing.
A note under door next day says doesn’t apply to you.
Everyone hates Cindy. I hear the screams down the hotel corridor.
Convert them all to ACT.
But we can’t go near anyone.
I heckle from the carpark.
Stay safe. Wear the mask. Wash your fucking hands.
Inhale the hand sanitiser. It has alcohol in it.
Covid doesn’t pass on surfaces you cunt.
More junk food arrives.
I get shitty at the staff. They deserve it by now. Cunts.
They’re part of the system.
I have to wear a mask.
I have to scan in.
I have to stay 2m from other people.
I have to show my vaccination pass.
Military wonk announces our departure time. It was a night later than the law prescribes.
Angry email quoting law to military LT CDR wonk.
I get to leave early. Not early - legally the right time you prick.
A roast as the last meal.
I leave in an Uber.
The driver says it’s bull shit. MIQ is bullshit.
I tip the driver. He’s a GC.
Auckland is in lockdown.
It is 11.50pm. I don’t care. I take the mask off. I have a walk.
It is beautiful.
I want an icecream.
Nothing is open.
14 days I haven’t walked without a mask. Breathing through meaningless paper.
Stay home save lives. Lives of no-one who appreciates this.
Scan in (although I haven’t for 2.5 months I merely wave at the code)
Waitress could only serve my table.
She hasn’t worked for months.
Well stop voting for her.
Air NZ email. No biscuit until departure.
I ask why they say it’s for your own safety.
It’s a fucking biscuit.
Vaccination is our way out of this!
We need a booster?
Why? Were the first two shots in 6 months not good enough?
After being "fully vaxxed", wearing a mask, testing, socially distancing and having to isolate if positive (which will never happen as I will never voluntarily submit to one more test again)?
Now you are just taking the piss.
This is not the plague.
I have done enough for humanity. Leave me the fuck alone. Save your own life by getting vaccinated.
If you "believe the science".